Mourning My Childhood
I am twenty one years old. I am nine years away from being thirty years old which is scary to say.
In the last year or two, I have grown a sudden sadness when I look back on my childhood. Despite being bullied as a child, from the point of being born to being around ten years old, everything was great.
I have always had the most incredibly vivid imagination and the whole world was full of possibilities. I was obsessed with anything to do with magic or secret worlds. I adored Harry Potter. That was a main part of my childhood as the first film came out when I was four years old and the cinema seat seemed so huge to the last film coming out when I was fourteen years old.
I spent a lot of my childhood at my nana's and every fortnight, my cousins would come over and we would spend all day together. I used to stay at my nana's every weekend and then the fortnights my cousins would be there.
We would either stay at the house or me and one of my cousins would go shopping with my parents. If we stayed at the house, we would play on the Xbox together and play with our imaginary friends who were horses. Eventually, they were allowed to spend the nights there and we had sleepovers. My cousin and I would paint each other's nails and dance to The Cheeky Girls.
My nana's house has always been a second home. When I was around eleven years old, circumstances meant that I was not able to see those cousins at all nor could I speak to them. This happened just before I entered high school which would turn out to be five years of hell.
My nana's house felt empty now that those cousins couldn't come over anymore. Those Saturday's that were once filled with loud kids became painfully silent. I had entered high school and hated it from the start but now I had nobody to talk to.
Another big part of my childhood was spent watching Disney Channel. On a Friday night, in primary school, That's So Raven would come on. I would sit down with my parents and we would all watch it and we all loved it. Around that time I would also watch Lizzie Mcguire and Suite Life Of Zack and Cody.
In 2006, Hannah Montana premiered on Disney Channel. From then on, that was one of my favourite shows to watch. I adored that show. My parents also loved it. On Disney Channel, there used to be frequent Original Movies that would premiere on Friday Night's. I remember when Camp Rock premiered and when High School Musical premiered. Disney Channel was the only channel I ever used to watch. If I wasn't watching Disney Channel I would be watching Emmerdale, Coronation Street and Eastenders.
Doctor Who was a big part of my childhood also. Specifically David Tennant's run as the doctor. From 2005 to 2010, that was my era. I remember watching Tooth and Claw and discovering that I actually really fancied David Tennant. I loved him. He was not my first obsession for older men. There were two before him, Luke Skywalker and Phil Bellamy from Heartbeat.
In 2010 and 2011, my childhood ended quite suddenly. 2010 was the year that David Tennant left Doctor Who and Hannah Montana had its last episode which I cried at. In 2011, Harry Potter also premiered its last installment. Harry Potter had been with me the longest. For ten years I went to the cinema every year to watch the latest installment.
Now, in 2018 and everything changed after 2011. I turned Disney Channel on the other day and they have proper adverts now which they never used to have. That's So Raven now has a spin off called Raven's Home where Raven and Chelsea have kids! The twins from Disney Original Twitches just turned forty years old recently.
I still go to my nana's quite frequently but I always have this aching sadness every time. I remember how loud it used to be there. I remember watching Steve Irwin on the following Sunday after staying over.
I believe this is why I have an obsession with wanting to be thin again because I was a thin kid and I'm not thin anymore. I also still love Christmas but the day I found out about Santa was the day that Christmas was never the same. I cried my heart out when my mum told me. I still adore Christmas, it's my favourite time of year but a part of the magic will never come back.
Now that I'm twenty one, I'm expected to look for a job and nobody is there to look after you anymore. Nobody wants to. Ever since I was very young, I always wanted to be older and I still stand by that. I always felt that I had an adult brain in a child's body. I've always gotten on far better with adult's than people my own age.
I want to feel that fragility of being a child which is why I want to be skinny. I'm still very childlike in a way and just like Peter Pan, I never plan on growing up. I just feel scared and overwhelmed and sad at how those golden years of my life are long gone and things are expected of me now.
In the last year or two, I have grown a sudden sadness when I look back on my childhood. Despite being bullied as a child, from the point of being born to being around ten years old, everything was great.
I have always had the most incredibly vivid imagination and the whole world was full of possibilities. I was obsessed with anything to do with magic or secret worlds. I adored Harry Potter. That was a main part of my childhood as the first film came out when I was four years old and the cinema seat seemed so huge to the last film coming out when I was fourteen years old.
I spent a lot of my childhood at my nana's and every fortnight, my cousins would come over and we would spend all day together. I used to stay at my nana's every weekend and then the fortnights my cousins would be there.
We would either stay at the house or me and one of my cousins would go shopping with my parents. If we stayed at the house, we would play on the Xbox together and play with our imaginary friends who were horses. Eventually, they were allowed to spend the nights there and we had sleepovers. My cousin and I would paint each other's nails and dance to The Cheeky Girls.
My nana's house has always been a second home. When I was around eleven years old, circumstances meant that I was not able to see those cousins at all nor could I speak to them. This happened just before I entered high school which would turn out to be five years of hell.
My nana's house felt empty now that those cousins couldn't come over anymore. Those Saturday's that were once filled with loud kids became painfully silent. I had entered high school and hated it from the start but now I had nobody to talk to.
Another big part of my childhood was spent watching Disney Channel. On a Friday night, in primary school, That's So Raven would come on. I would sit down with my parents and we would all watch it and we all loved it. Around that time I would also watch Lizzie Mcguire and Suite Life Of Zack and Cody.
In 2006, Hannah Montana premiered on Disney Channel. From then on, that was one of my favourite shows to watch. I adored that show. My parents also loved it. On Disney Channel, there used to be frequent Original Movies that would premiere on Friday Night's. I remember when Camp Rock premiered and when High School Musical premiered. Disney Channel was the only channel I ever used to watch. If I wasn't watching Disney Channel I would be watching Emmerdale, Coronation Street and Eastenders.
Doctor Who was a big part of my childhood also. Specifically David Tennant's run as the doctor. From 2005 to 2010, that was my era. I remember watching Tooth and Claw and discovering that I actually really fancied David Tennant. I loved him. He was not my first obsession for older men. There were two before him, Luke Skywalker and Phil Bellamy from Heartbeat.
In 2010 and 2011, my childhood ended quite suddenly. 2010 was the year that David Tennant left Doctor Who and Hannah Montana had its last episode which I cried at. In 2011, Harry Potter also premiered its last installment. Harry Potter had been with me the longest. For ten years I went to the cinema every year to watch the latest installment.
Now, in 2018 and everything changed after 2011. I turned Disney Channel on the other day and they have proper adverts now which they never used to have. That's So Raven now has a spin off called Raven's Home where Raven and Chelsea have kids! The twins from Disney Original Twitches just turned forty years old recently.
I still go to my nana's quite frequently but I always have this aching sadness every time. I remember how loud it used to be there. I remember watching Steve Irwin on the following Sunday after staying over.
I believe this is why I have an obsession with wanting to be thin again because I was a thin kid and I'm not thin anymore. I also still love Christmas but the day I found out about Santa was the day that Christmas was never the same. I cried my heart out when my mum told me. I still adore Christmas, it's my favourite time of year but a part of the magic will never come back.
Now that I'm twenty one, I'm expected to look for a job and nobody is there to look after you anymore. Nobody wants to. Ever since I was very young, I always wanted to be older and I still stand by that. I always felt that I had an adult brain in a child's body. I've always gotten on far better with adult's than people my own age.
I want to feel that fragility of being a child which is why I want to be skinny. I'm still very childlike in a way and just like Peter Pan, I never plan on growing up. I just feel scared and overwhelmed and sad at how those golden years of my life are long gone and things are expected of me now.
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